Romancing the Stone
Wake up, wake the kids, get them dressed, feed the kids and yourself, get them to school, get to work, leave work, pick up the kids, feed the family, clean up from dinner, help with homework, bathe the kids, get the kids to bed, go to bed…
Just reading these daily tasks is enough to have one feeling exhausted. At the end of the day, no matter how the tasks are divided you are probably thinking, “Romance this buddy...” With this short list of daily activity, how can a couple even think of fitting in a little romance? In our fastpaced society, many spouses feel that something has got to go, and because of schedules, fatigue, the kids, “bad” timing, unresolved emotional and relationship issues and other issues, the romance department is often closed for business. The result is that often the relationship between you and your spouse suffers, which has a trickledown effect on the rest of the family, whether you realize it or not.
Why is it that a part of our life that can be so fulfilling, centering, relaxing and calming is often abandoned when we feel overwhelmed? Asy ou can see, the reasons can be many. We can spend a lot of time on all of the time constraints and commitments, but in this month with a day dedicated to love, I want to spend time on one aspect with many pieces… What you want to ask yourself is, “Is emotion the real motivating factor in a successful or ailing sex life?” Emotions are those things we experience in life that many of us want to avoid feeling or sharing, especially if we feel that they are negative. Stress, resentments, vulnerability, perceived failure, fears, sadness, loneliness, and just feeling disconnected from your spouse can have you buying a one-way ticket to the island of abstinence. What often comes with this undesired journey is resentment, anger and passive-aggressiveness. The hard part is being honest with yourself about your motivations.
What many of us have learned is that sex is power… whether we withhold it or give it. If our spouse is reactive to this use of power, it may become a tool of manipulation. We also may have learned that sex has been paired with shame and guilt which can have us feeling powerless. Finally, sex is something that so many of us put a lot of power in being good at, which can raise the stakes if we have needs to succeed or fears of failure. All of these issues are connected to emotion. Furthermore, with all of the many tasks we have to keep up with everyday, emotion is the result, whether it is overwhelmed, burdened, resentful, or exhausted.
How often have you taken the opportunity to really explore your emotions around intimacy? More importantly how often have you taken the opportunity to talk about your emotions around your physical relationship with your spouse or significant other? Too many times these discussions do not take place because of embarrassment, humiliation, shame and fear. Why do we give all of these emotions so much power in our lives? More importantly, what are they trying to tell us? We aren’t taught to listen to our emotions; we are more likely taught to avoid them. I firmly believe that every emotion has a positive purpose and that purpose is to teach us about life, even our romantic life. When we don’t listen to our emotions, we are out of balance, often in every aspect of our life. Furthermore, we may blame others for that imbalance. When we can take responsibility for our unhappiness, stress, loneliness, fatigue… we can then take responsibility for finding our happiness, peace, success, and for finding love in romance.
The rewards come from finding a peace within yourself to enjoy the moments with your spouse even in the chaos, to take the time out of a hectic day to reconnect with a friend, to find the ability within yourself to forgive the human flaws of yourself and others and to find the perfection within the love you feel for each other. It is easier to hold on to the resentments and to say you are too tired, and there are those relationships where there simply is not the ability to regain trust because of the actions of a partner. None-the-less, we must realize that we are responsible for creating a rewarding life for ourselves and with that comes a rewarding life for those we care about.
The keys to better romance are not always in the bedroom. While I encourage you to begin your journey into your emotions. Here are some strategies to help you and your partner work toward a more fulfilling romantic life. Relationships take work. Put the effort in. If you are having challenges don’t feel afraid to get some therapy.
Erik Fisher, Ph.D. is an author and psychologist with offices in Lawrenceville and Dunwoody. For more information visit www.erikfisher.com
Accent Gwinnett has used its best efforts in assembling material for this list but does not warrant that the information contained herein is complete or accurate, and does not assume, and hereby disclaims, any liability to any person for any loss or damage caused by error or omissions herein whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident or any other cause. Advertising in Accent Gwinnett is not linked in any way to the selection of doctors in this issue or any future issues. Any information provided is not a substitute for the professional judgment of a qualified heath care provider based upon actual examination of a patient’s condition and history.
